First- I see that I have had 95 pageviews! A far cry from the 10,000 on my other blog, but I love it that someone is reading. Thank you! Leave a comment-unless you are my mom and can't figure out how to do that anonymously. You can keep sending me emails about why you love me. I like that! I also loved that you sent me an email about the facts of the case with my father. It was helpful to read that the judge immediately gave you custody and that my step-mom was investigated for not reporting abuse in her house. I didn't remember that my dad agreed to everything I wrote down that he did to me. I didn't know that he said that it was all normal and that he didn't understand why everyone was upset with him for yelling at me and hitting me. I never knew that his lawyer refused to represent him because of what he so willingly admitted.
I told Johanna's husband about all the work I was doing in counseling and he asked "I wonder why your dad is so angry. What happened to him?" I know my dad was disabled in elementary school and wore a brace for a year and was prohibited from playing sports. Would that make someone angry? I'm not so mad at my dad right now-I see him as broken and unhappy. I wonder, what made him so angry? I wish he'd be strong enough to work on himself instead of denying his problems or ignoring them with drinking. I always wonder why my parents don't love me enough to overcome their problems. When my mom smoked and I told her how much it bothered me and that I had nightmares about her dying of lung cancer I could never understand why she didn't just stop. Of course, I know I have issues, like my emotional reactions to minor criticism or rampant sugar consumption, that I don't know how to control either. But when it comes to parents, it just always seemed like their love should make anything possible. It does seem like my mom hid and ignored so much that she must have been feeling so she could be a mom to me and act as if she had it all together. I'm 28 and I know I have crazy emotions that I would never expect a parent to display. Parents, to me, are supposed to be calm and rational and consistent and sure of themselves. I suppose one reason that I've never felt ready to have kids is because I don't know myself. How am I supposed to tell them what is right and wrong if I don't even know?
My boyfriend and I fought a fair bit this week. Three times were fairly major. Each time I did something that wasn't entirely logical but completely workable. Like getting take out from a sit down restaurant because Johanna's husband wanted Indian food and I didn't know Indian take-out places.
Or driving all the way across phoenix to help my office mate buy a bike instead of searching craig's list for only bikes in our area. My boyfriend criticized me and I got mad. I defended my decisions and got mad at him for telling me what I was doing wrong. He interpreted this that I can't handle helpful advice and that I don't want to learn from anyone else. He interpreted this as irrational emotional reactions. He's wearing out. Can YOU imagine dating the author of this blog? I mean, what man would want to deal with this mess my father raised? (Even as I write that I know I shouldn't speak so negatively to myself, but it's what feels real.)
So he told me that my responses to his criticism were unacceptable and couldn't continue. One day he told me I was being abusive because I got mad that he told me my directions were bad even though they got him to where we were going with no problems (besides a fight). It feels like he is judging my deepest weaknesses. I feel like the broken girlfriend who has potential but is currently a mess engaged in long term therapy. I'm the girlfriend who bounces between joyous and kind and angry, frustrated and sad. He's the boyfriend who just finds it easy to be happy and is nice enough to deal with me because it's not my fault that Johanna died and my father hit me. I hate this.
I HATE having to apologize for reacting so negatively to his criticism. Sure, I know from all the days of yoga that I'm in charge of my own happiness. My reactions are my choice. My life is my choice. I know that people can be happy in wheelchairs, and productive while unfairly imprisoned. I know that rich people with loving wives and children and good jobs can commit suicide. But I'm sick of just admitting that my reactions are wrong all the time even though the rational side of my brain sees that my anger is out of proportion with the offense. I should say that sometimes I see that. If my boyfriend knows how raw I am-how close I am to my edges-and knows I'm struggling so hard to overcome my deep insecurities does he really need to criticize how I put my bike on the roof of the car or how I give directions? Does he need to tell me that I should control myself and stop reacting how I am? He has the right to stick up for himself. My anger towards my father is not his burden to bear. He has been patient and loving for months of my grief and anger. But still. Can't he just lay off on the criticism?
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