My boyfriend and I fought a fair bit this week. Three times were fairly major. Each time I did something that wasn't entirely logical but completely workable. Like getting take out from a sit down restaurant because Johanna's husband wanted Indian food and I didn't know Indian take-out places.
Or driving all the way across phoenix to help my office mate buy a bike instead of searching craig's list for only bikes in our area. My boyfriend criticized me and I got mad. I defended my decisions and got mad at him for telling me what I was doing wrong. He interpreted this that I can't handle helpful advice and that I don't want to learn from anyone else. He interpreted this as irrational emotional reactions. He's wearing out. Can YOU imagine dating the author of this blog? I mean, what man would want to deal with this mess my father raised? (Even as I write that I know I shouldn't speak so negatively to myself, but it's what feels real.)
So he told me that my responses to his criticism were unacceptable and couldn't continue. One day he told me I was being abusive because I got mad that he told me my directions were bad even though they got him to where we were going with no problems (besides a fight). It feels like he is judging my deepest weaknesses. I feel like the broken girlfriend who has potential but is currently a mess engaged in long term therapy. I'm the girlfriend who bounces between joyous and kind and angry, frustrated and sad. He's the boyfriend who just finds it easy to be happy and is nice enough to deal with me because it's not my fault that Johanna died and my father hit me. I hate this.
I HATE having to apologize for reacting so negatively to his criticism. Sure, I know from all the days of yoga that I'm in charge of my own happiness. My reactions are my choice. My life is my choice. I know that people can be happy in wheelchairs, and productive while unfairly imprisoned. I know that rich people with loving wives and children and good jobs can commit suicide. But I'm sick of just admitting that my reactions are wrong all the time even though the rational side of my brain sees that my anger is out of proportion with the offense. I should say that sometimes I see that. If my boyfriend knows how raw I am-how close I am to my edges-and knows I'm struggling so hard to overcome my deep insecurities does he really need to criticize how I put my bike on the roof of the car or how I give directions? Does he need to tell me that I should control myself and stop reacting how I am? He has the right to stick up for himself. My anger towards my father is not his burden to bear. He has been patient and loving for months of my grief and anger. But still. Can't he just lay off on the criticism?
No comments:
Post a Comment