Cultivating compassion for myself.

My boyfriend pointed out yesterday "you love everyone more easily than you love yourself."

I do have a well-developed sense of empathy. When Johanna's sister criticized herself for getting B's instead of A's after her sister died I was easily able to see she was judging herself too hardly. When students made mistakes I was able to forgive them even if it was really their fault. When I see people doing bad things, I don't assume they are all bad, I just wonder what happened to them to get to that place.

When I make mistakes I get frustrated, anxious, upset. Even if they are small. I make fun of my own faults a lot. People laugh, but I'm not sure if it is really funny.

I get anxious a lot. I get anxious when I get a nice text message from my friend and I'm trying to focus on my abysmally late paper. Why do I feel so bothered? Shouldn't I think "wow, she loves me! She is writing to me to wish me a good day."  Why do I feel anxiety in all these situations that rationally look like love.

I'm supposed to make a list this week of times I felt loved. I wish I remembered more from when I was little but I remember lots of playing by myself. Here are a few things I remember from elementary school. I have almost no positive memories of any kind from before my parents were divorced in third grade. I have no memories of them together except for when they told me they were getting a divorce.

• My mom took me to art class and swim class and to the Country Club pool. She made sure I wore sunblock and packed snacks for me.
• My dad drove me to school a lot and would buy us snacks on the way home. 
• He made me lunch. 
• He helped me weld a giant turkey in third grade that was the best and coolest project in the entire class. I couldn't even carry it to school so he helped me do that too.
• He helped me build a fort with a backhoe when he saw me digging a hole and I told him I was building an underground fort. 
• He built me a tree house.
• My parents agreed to put an extra window in my bedroom when I learned about fire danger and school and was afraid of not being able to escape. 
• My grandparents always loved me! I don't remember a time when they were not nice and giving me food, attention or presents. 
• My dad used to take us out to ride bikes and climb up dirt hills.
• My brother and I got to go to harvest with my dad and ride combines. 
• My mom brought me back clothes and toys from overseas and called me to tell me she missed me when she was gone. 
• My mom helped me study for my spelling tests. 
• My mom didn't disown me in middle school when kids were really mean to me and I took out all my frustration on her. I wish that I'd just told my parents how mean kids were and that someone had just given me a hug and been nice to me.

What does everyone else remember from Elementary school? Do you remember your parents giving you hugs or saying I love you or doing things that showed that they loved you?  I know my parents loved me, it is just hard to remember way back then. I remember my cousin and nanny dying, my parents getting divorced, and kids being mean to me but not too many specific nice things that involved other people. The specific interactions with people where I remember their words were always bad.