Why is my dad so angry?

First- I see that I have had 95 pageviews!  A far cry from the 10,000 on my other blog, but I love it that someone is reading. Thank you! Leave a comment-unless you are my mom and can't figure out how to do that anonymously. You can keep sending me emails about why you love me. I like that!  I also loved that you sent me an email about the facts of the case with my father. It was helpful to read that the judge immediately gave you custody and that my step-mom was investigated for not reporting abuse in her house. I didn't remember that my dad agreed to everything I wrote down that he did to me. I didn't know that he said that it was all normal and that he didn't understand why everyone was upset with him for yelling at me and hitting me. I never knew that his lawyer refused to represent him because of what he so willingly admitted.

I told Johanna's husband about all the work I was doing in counseling and he asked "I wonder why your dad is so angry. What happened to him?"  I know my dad was disabled in elementary school and wore a brace for a year and was prohibited from playing sports. Would that make someone angry? I'm not so mad at my dad right now-I see him as broken and unhappy. I wonder, what made him so angry? I wish he'd be strong enough to work on himself instead of denying his problems or ignoring them with drinking. I always wonder why my parents don't love me enough to overcome their problems. When my mom smoked and I told her how much it bothered me and that I had nightmares about her dying of lung cancer I could never understand why she didn't just stop.  Of course, I know I have issues, like my emotional reactions to minor criticism or rampant sugar consumption, that I don't know how to control either. But when it comes to parents, it just always seemed like their love should make anything possible. It does seem like my hid and ignored so much that she must have been feeling so she could be a mom to me and act as if she had it all together. I'm 28 and I know I have crazy emotions that I would never expect a parent to display. Parents, to me, are supposed to be calm and rational and consistent and sure of themselves.  I suppose one reason that I've never felt ready to have kids is because I don't know myself. How am I supposed to tell them what is right and wrong if I don't even know?