A boyfriend I dated briefly my senior year of college couldn't get it together to do something I cared about and had asked him to do multiple times. I wrote this:
"If I can’t trust
him with something easy like that how can I trust him to be there for me in a
more serious way? Is this going to be the line I read after our relationship
has failed and think you are so dumb, you did it again. Lisa thinks I
should dump him because he’s treating me like second fiddle and I’m too
beautiful, adorned with too sexy a body and far too compelling a curiosity to
ever settle. I’m adventurous, athletic, and kind, really a perfect girlfriend
in many ways. Sure I have my issues. My needyness, my lack of confidence, my
tendency not to stick up for myself, my frequent discussions of myself. In Lisa’s
mind getting committed emotionally to John is a bad idea. I deserve to
be treated better. Well, we must first decide if John is treating me badly. I
don’t think he treats me badly but I do think he has issues. He realizes this
though and seems remorseful. I don’t want to fall into the trap of excusing
inexcusable behavior but I also want to be understanding of all his issues."
His issues were that he watched his friend die in a bloody sledding accident right after they had been fighting. His friend ran into a pole and died in his arms in the ambulance. He was a brilliant, eccentric artist. He drew endless self-portraits and then videotaped himself ripping them up or urinating on them. I found all of this fascinating. I saw him as broken, but not myself.
I don't see a deep awareness of being damaged in myself. I see a young woman with awareness of issues she has that were probably all related to her fear of being unable to have a happy marriage. I'm not so sure I was that far along yet in my self-awareness.
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