he wrote me this email and I still fell in love with him for four years.

Carmen's note: Five years ago I fell hard for Roark. Nothing but flirting and insinuations happened between us all summer. We lived in different cities. Later he and I both moved to Seattle and despite this email and all of his baggage I feel madly, hopelessly in love with him and we began a passionate relationship. I wrote stories about that summer of bike rides and lunch dates that went nowhere-the summer that happened before he sent this email:

in a little more than two hours (less by the time i finish writing this, i'm sure), i'll walk out the door of my mother's house for the last time.  i've spent the last three days going through my childhood, deciding what to keep and what to throw away.  in three weeks, another family will move in to my mother's house.  i wish them luck.

i'm at a loss, carmen.  not so much a loss for words as a loss for actions.  i don't know what to do with my life right now.  it's three in the morning, i'm hammered drunk, and i have no one to turn to.  frankly, not even you--but i'm writing anyway, because i need to write to someone.  i'm not much of a diarist.

and i can't write to Sarah, because the best part of me doesn't feel fear like this.  and Sarah is...  well, Sarah is.  and i'm unwilling to risk that with this at this point.  maybe in person, someday.  but for right now, i like to think that i'm the best i can be around Sarah.  and i'm not the best i can be right now.

i guess i'm saying that i have nothing to lose in writing to you, and that i have to give voice to some of this shit somehow.

what the hell am i doing with my life, carmen?  i'm about to get on an airplane with every intention of making a go of it in another city.  i'm fully intending to return to seattle for thanksgiving every year, and that's it.  i'm fully intending to be done with this town.

do you understand the gravity of that statement, carmen?  it means i'm walking away from everything i've ever known as home.  it means that i'm completely through with tricia the 6 year girlfriend.  it means i'm going to have a very different friendship with ryan.  it means i'm going to have a very different friendship with cassie.

at least cassie and i never actually did anything about the tension that ebbs and flows between us.  that would have been bad news.

i had korean food with a girl i went to high school with a couple of weeks ago, and she explained to me how happy she was to finally be single again.  she's getting a veterinary degree in a year.  she's the first girl i cheated on tricia with.

i don't even like korean food.

i'm struggling to remember this girl's name right now.

late at night, carmen, when i find myself awake and alone, things always come back to sex.  can you explain to me how i can have a dual reality like this?  one where i spend the week going through my children's books, saving my favorites for (Sarah and) my kids, and the only word i've ever capitalized in an email to you has been her name.  and another where i'm so afraid to be alone, even for a minute, that i have to stop myself from sleeping with my 44 year old friend.

should we judge people by their actions, cammie?  or should we judge them by their unfulfilled intent?  am i strong for admitting this, or weak?

am i strong enough to stop myself from cheating on Sarah?  will the divinity implied in punctuation keep me from sinning?

heaven knows i wasn't strong enough in the past.

i cheated on the girl i was cheating on my girlfriend with.  point of fact, i cheated on her, too--but that came later, after the breakup and the recriminations.

none of these girls are speaking to me right now.

can i still be a good person if i do these things, carmen?  can i still be a good person if i have done them in the past?  can i avoid them in the future?

what will become of me, lost on another coast, mired in a city too big for a cyclist, late at night when these demons arrive?  these problems are 9 months away, and i can already hear them approach, clicking up the sidewalk towards my door.

what if i can't do this?

what if i can?

which is worse?

none of this matters one whit.  i am hopelessly committed now--there is no path but forward.  the road i'm on crumbles behind me with every step i take.

it is time, carmen, to put away childish things.

it is time to become a man.  more precisely, it is time to modify my behavior to be indistinguishable from that of a man.  isn't that the same thing, carmen?

i am in love with a girl named Sarah, carmen.

is that enough?  because i'm afraid it's not even close.