I'm halfway through reading the book "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. My roommate put it down quickly because she didn't want to read about another woman's quest for happiness. Too self-indulgent for her. But so much of Gretchen reminds me of myself that I see her process as a model for my own happiness project. And in fact, I know I've adopted some of her principals without putting words to them. For example, I used to go to happy hours and bars because I thought that these things were supposed to be fun. I finally realized that I don't find them fun and only go for special events like weddings and birthdays. Like Gretchen, the first step I took when I wanted to get serious about happiness was cleaning my room and checking off annoying errands. Like Gretchen, I am on a path to a highly respectable career (Phd Math Education) but love to write in my spare time. Like Gretchen, I like to write about myself!
So let's begin. I can't promise to commit a year to writing a book about my journey, but since one of my main goals of my current work therapy is be able to check in with myself, I think this is a good use of time (and that is why I'm not finishing my essay for the class I have an incomplete in!)
In fact, I believe that right now, in my late 20's, on the verge of settling into a career for the long haul and choosing a husband, it is absolutely essential to know myself. A major oversight on this issue could lead to years of angst and wasted energy.
So far in life, I've mainly done what seemed like a good idea at the time and then connected the dots into a career after the fact. I took Calculus 2 because my Calculus 1 teacher told me something awesome I couldn't understand. I decided to tutor and math major because my Calculus 2 teacher told me I'd be good at it. I decided to teach because I was dissatisfied with math education. I decided to go back to graduate school because I'm happy and successful while in school. Why not spend as much as my life in school as possible if I like it so much? I decided to pursue math education because I get to write, to do math, to work with people, to solve major problems, to think big, to strategize. I never knew that it was where I was headed, but in hindsight it fits.
Ahh... I'm rambling. Because this is hard.
Let's start with Gretchen "I'd always vaguely expected to outgrow my limitations. ... One April day, on a morning just like every other morning, I had a sudden realization that I was in danger of wasting my life. As I started out the rain-splattered window of a city bus, I saw that the years were slipping by. 'What do I want from life, anyway?' I asked myself. 'Well... I want to be happy.' But I had never thought about what made me happy or how I might be happier."
Like Gretchen I have much to be happy about. My mom loves me so much and would do anything within her power to improve my life. She is smart, kind, honest, healthy, funny, interesting and full of wonderful stories about her adventures around the world. To top that, she opened doors for woman everywhere by breaking into a male dominated field and enduring the resulting abuse. My boyfriend is attractive, honest, fun, smart, hardworking, good with money, patient. And to top that his garage is filled with all of the gear we'd need for any adventure-purchased with leftover scholarship money. And he loves me! My adviser is brilliant, kind, hardworking. He distributes un-fun tasks evenly and takes my intellectual interest and development very seriously. His career is dedicated to improving students math experiences. My roommate is grateful, fun, caring, smart, clean and always willing to listen. My brother is funny, adventurous, kind and loving. My body(minus a few persistent injuries) functions perfectly and allows me to hike wherever I want and enjoy the peace of yoga. Even my brain chemistry is good-I know I'm not predisposed to depression.
Despite Gretchen's good fortune, she still loses her temper, feels guilty, dejected and insecure. At least in her book, she doesn't pinpoint any major reasons for these feelings. I also can identify my ways of acting that irk me. I don't like loud events. I shut down when I have to go along with a group and do something I don't like. When plans change I get bothered and short. When my boyfriend tells me how to do something more efficiently I get defensive. Technical details stress me out more than they need to. Sometimes I cry when things break-like my windshield wiper. I don't always remember to appreciate what I have-I can be impatient even while on a vacation to a beautiful place. I get mad when my roommates leave out cake or cookies because I hate that I can't stop eating them. Sometimes I refuse to do something or whine about it only to realize later that it was lots of fun and that I never should have complained.
The way that I see myself as different from Gretchen, is that I'm also in counseling to deal with grief and abuse. My friend died, and although I'm accepting that she is okay and that she had a good life, the grief sent me into a reflective mode that uncovered years of unprocessed pain and suffering. So my happiness project is more than overcoming petty frustrations. It's uncovering who I am apart from the ways of acting I learned to respond to an insane, unhappy situation. And I suppose that is why I have help with the process-to see myself more clearly.
So I need some resolutions!
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