I spent some time learning to mountain bike this weekend with a very kind and wise friend Sarah. I told her I was going to counseling and about how conflicted I was about my father.
Everyone has parent issues, she said. You dad isn't controlling your life now. You are in charge of your life. Of course, she acknowledged that no one had ever abused her, but like everyone, her parents were not perfect either.
I explained her that I had ways of acting that I didn't like. I don't like hating my stomach. I don't like getting defensive when my boyfriend tells me how to do something more efficiently with good intentions. I really don't like the feeling of tightness and anxiety that I have around my boyfriend. As soon as we start to discuss logistics, the car, planning for a trip, I start to tense up. This weekend it was about where we'd leave his car while I drove to the eclipse. I don't want to be that person. I want to appreciate my life and take that feeling I had while standing in the moon's shadow and keep it with me.
How do I get there? My boyfriend and Sarah tell me that I have the power within me to decide to overcome the ways of being that I identify and don't like. But I feel stuck. Even though I acknowledge that my own attitude is what determines the quality of my life, I feel somewhat powerless to make lasting change. How do I change hating my body? I've tried to escape bike racing where the comparisons are brutal and even skinny, toned women complain of extra pounds.Yoga really helps me appreciate my body. Thinking about how well my body functions and how many amazing places it takes me helps too.
How do I get rid of that tight feeling in my chest when I mess up directions or forget something around my boyfriend? He has never yelled at me. I know that my response is irrational. I have it. I don't know how to make it go away. I can cope with it. I can be alone until it passes so he doesn't notice it. I can tell him what I'm feeling and then say I don't think it is his fault. But again and again and again I have this anxious feeling. I don't think it means my boyfriend is the wrong person for me-he is kind and fun and honest and attractive. But I don't like it. I know that if my boyfriend instead of Sarah had been showing me how to mountain bike this weekend I would have been so defensive I couldn't have learned well. I know that my attitude and feelings of failure would have come up so much more. Once my ex and I fell in love I couldn't even ride bikes with him without getting into a huge fight.
In any case, I was meaning to write something positive today. The eclipse and my time with Sarah made me want to do more with school. I have lots of ideas that I can do something with, lots of things to contribute to my project. I don't want to spend days playing on facebook or being aimless and inefficient. The eclipse made me happy-nothing but happy. I wasn't worried about Johanna(my friend who died) I was just with a big group of people marveling at the spectacle. My life is so filled with wonder and amazement. I KNOW I can be happy.
I just have a few issues that I don't know what to do with. I hope that it isn't just an "i don't know" excuse.
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