Mara Abbott, who happens to be the only athlete who I really love to follow, said something in her talk to Whitman Cyclists that made sense to me. If you are numb, you can't tell what problems you are having or how to fix them.
I see that as some sort of explanation for feeling my feelings, even if I sometimes wish the sad ones didn't put me into a House M.D. watching comotose state on my couch.
The feeling I'm confused about now is fear. We hear so much about living every day to the fullest, going after our dreams, achieving all that we were born to do. Mara talks about how special it is to try to be the best in the world at something. I can see that it is special, and that she has learned a lot on her journey to the pinnacle of women's cycling. But is it possible to be balanced, fulfilled, happy and trying to be the best at anything?
Is trying to be the best at anything antithetical to balance?
As Mara would say, the sports Gods have not chosen cycling for me. I'm sure, based on my general indifference to being faster than other people, I am not destined to be a bike racer. I like the beauty of cycling, the suffering, the friends, the trips to the races, but never did I truly care too much about winning. I wanted to be faster, yes, but I had these visions of being on a real team and helping someone else win. That was as far as my visions went.
Jen Tripplet, one of my favorite life coaches writes about trying to achieve success, in life and on the bike. She inspires me to, and of course, she has the live each day to the fullest attitude that truly only comes from wallowing through the lowest, darkest canyons of grief.
So I look at my goals, my desire to write a book, my desire to approach the brilliance of my adviser, my desire to approach the explorations of Arizona taken up by Rich Rudow and my Canyon Chronicles idol, my definite desire to have good relationships with my boyfriend and mom and friends, and my maybe desire to have kids.
So there is this FEAR thing. Fear stopped me from plowing right ahead into Job applications this semester, saved me untold amounts of stress, and prevented me from graduating in May 2015.
Fear also stops me from going to beautiful but dangerous canyons with keep potholes and exposed approaches on crumbling slopes. This fear, I feel, is justified, since Joannah fell down one of those slopes to her death, and death is not something I can afford to do with my mom being so sick and all.
Fear is a giant pause button on marriage and pregnancy. I'm not afraid that I would be a bad mother. I'm fairly good at taking care of most of my friends. I like helping people. I am ethical and can learn and reflect and grow. My fear, is that children are so unpredictable. When you decide to get pregnant, you are signing up for any possibility.
I don't think I'm afraid to write a book, but I'm afraid to set goals i can't reach, to push too hard, to burn out. I'm afraid of the consequences, the self-hate, the I don't know. I guess, I'm also afraid that I'm already a miserable failure at getting my PhD done in time and that I should be doing a better job on my career. I know that I have the feeling that I won't be defined my career in academia, and that there is a book in me, but that still doesn't keep me from seeing and thinking about the people going into academia who are more successful than I am. I could be publishing more. I could be living each day to the fullest.... but the more I write and do, the less I explore and see and feel and relax. Stress is a real thing that causes illness.
I fear my mother's death. I'm afraid to take on challenges that might rear their heads in the time that she dies. I'm purposefully and knowingly taking a step down from what I could achieve because of fear or exhaustion or something related to my mom. Part of me says that of course this makes sense to do this. I should plan ahead, how could I think that a mom dying shouldn't be exhausting. Another part of me says that this is my one wild and wonderful life and that I must do everything I can to do what I need to do in the universe.
Fear-it can be so logical. It can keep us from doing things that we really shouldn't do. It can prevent our greatest dreams from ever coming true. Fear, like any emotion, apparently requires balance, and balance, balance balance, is tough for me. I find myself tired easily. I find myself willing to take the easy way out often.
It seems like one of the perceptual questions in my life is should I push harder, through the fear and pain and risk, and possibly achieve everything I've wanted, or do I need to be nicer to myself. I don't know, but usually I try to push,
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